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Enlightenment.

I have been really looking forward to the new Batman game which was released today. I picked up my copy this morning before heading into work, and seriously considered leaving a few hours early to play it… but as i am soon to be a joint owner of the company i also want to be the kind of person the people who work under me can look up to. 

So i was mulling over things as i went on my lunch break. I don’t normally eat fast food but went to McDonalds as i wanted to try one of the mud pie mcflurries. In line i was contemplating whether i should abuse my position or whether i should be the good boss, and as i went to find a seat i noticed an old Asian man with a quite long bushy beard and long hair tied in a quite intricate fashion to give the appearance that it was short, and he was wearing a really stylish charcoal suit. He just looked really mystical, so i sat at the table next to him as if i was drawn by some sort of aura.

It’s hard to explain, but i actually felt wiser just being in close proximity to him. He looked like he might be a master of kung fu, or maybe a ninja as he vanished without me even realising. One moment he was there, the next he was gone. 

But that sense of awe remained, and i think it inspired to be honourable and stay at the showroom for the whole day. Time will tell if it was a life-altering experience or just a one time-type deal, but it was amazing… and i feel sorry for the Black Mask.

AMY.

There is currently a Halloween-themed sale on the Playstation store. None of the games on offer really appealed to me, but i did notice that AMY - a downloadable survival horror title- was available for just 59 pence, so i snapped it up.

I did so knowing that the game was universally slated by most gaming publications. Destructoid gave it a 1.5 out of 10, Eurogamer gave it a 2, and the PS3 version currently sits at 33/100 on Metacritic. But you can’t go wrong for less than a pound.

Unfortunately the reviewers were right and AMY is in fact a game with virtually zero redeeming qualities. I say virtually zero, because there is in fact one, and it kind of bothers me that i like this aspect so much.

I am always very disdainful of the types of ape-men who claim they like to play games as female avatars because if they have to look at somebody’s arse for hours and hours, it might as well be that of a woman. I find that to be a very pathetic attitude towards both women and gaming… however, with little else to focus on, a few hours into the game i have found myself mesmerised by the subtle and understated femininity of Lana’s animations.

Combat, inventory management, voice acting and graphics may suck, but whoever programmed that ever-so-slight wriggle of the PC’s derrière did their job incredibly well. 

I got my thirteen year old brother into Muse enough that he did this to his bedroom wall.

I got my thirteen year old brother into Muse enough that he did this to his bedroom wall.

I recreated a scene from Batman Begins today.

In the build-up to Halloween the local bakery sells bat-shaped gingerbread biscuits. I don’t like gingerbread, but bought a couple anyway as i am currently playing Arkham Asylum and trying to master the last few challenges on the PS3 version before Arkham Origins comes out, and i thought they might inspire me. 

So as i was playing, i was also fondling one like Bruce Wayne did with his batarang when my girlfriend came home and asked what i was doing, and why i was eating a biscuit i didn’t like.

I told her ‘because ginger frightens me, and it’s time my enemies shared my bread’ then threw it at the wall.

Unfortunately she didn’t have any idea what i was talking about and just told me to clear it up… but i enjoyed it.

GTA Online. The adventures of Sir Percy.

When you stick up a store you are encouraged to shout at the poor clerk behind the cash register. Doing so apparently makes him prepare the money a little faster, but as you can probably imagine, the majority of the people who bother with this are little kids who just shout rather dull obscenities.  

When i got to this part of the game i decided that i would take part - only i would roleplay as a 1940s-era English gentleman, as opposed to the 21st century English gentleman i am. 

'I am dreadfully sorry to be a bother, my good man, but if you do not place all of your money into this plastic carrier bag with the utmost haste i shall be for forced to smash your head in with this policeman's truncheon. Which i retrieved from the cadaver of a bobby who stuck his nose where it was not wanted.' 

Unfortunately by this time, the Old Bill had actually turned up. Even more unfortunately, i didn’t have any ammo, so the nightstick i pinched from the rozza was actually my only means of defending myself. So i hit the two policemen with it.  

'You get a wallop. And you get a wallop.' and then a poor passer-by. 'EVERYBODY GETS A WALLOP.' Then got into my automobile and sped down the highway, where a short time later i had a head-on collision with another player. His car was totalled and he was killed, but i was fine because i had purchased an armour upgrade. This seemed to offend him and he went apesh*t at me. 

'My apologies, sir, but i am from Britain you see? I am still adjusting to driving on the right side of the road.' and then i explained that you can insure your cars, and that all he had to do was give the insurance company a ring and he would get a brand new one. But he didn't have insurance.  

'No insurance? That must mean you nicked it! A marauding renegade such as yourself really is in no position to speak to such an esteemed and mostly law-abiding subject like me, Sir Percy, in such a tone.' At this point he threatened to kill me. 'I suggest you think long and hard before starting a row with me, dear boy. Or else i shall have to get the chaps on the horn, and you shall be in for the thrashing of a lifetime.' 

You can probably guess that i don’t actually have any chaps on who to call, unlike he, who really did sic his crew on me. I had to ditch my beautiful navy blue Banshee for a lorry, for the additional protection. Which proved a good decision when i was able to push a car containing three of my pursuers into the canals near the beach area. Of course i had to quip ‘you fellows need to cool off’. 

It wasn’t long though, before the lorry was no longer functional and i had to make my escape on foot, which is rather difficult. Fortune smiled upon me though, as i was disconnected, presumably as a result of the shaky servers. 

As i was taken back to the single-player campaign, i couldn’t help but think ‘you lead a charmed life, Sir Percy’ and look forward to the antics he would get up to next time. 

I want to make a crew that consists entirely of players of different nationalities, roleplaying as national stereotypes. It is empowering, to take the things uncultured people use to make fun of you and use them as a weapon yourself. You get to take the cool things, like the accent, manner of speech and ingenious methods of staving off scurvy, and ignore the dumb things like bad cuisine and teeth.

For England, Alec.

Last week i was at the game store and noticed they were selling pre-owned PS3 games under a ‘buy 2 get 1 free’ promotion, so i snapped up inFAMOUS 2, Uncharted 3 and GoldenEye: Reloaded, which i thought i could finish the last little bit of this morning before heading out. 

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the GoldenEye story. The difference in the update is that Alec Trevelyan is motivated by a hatred of the bankers instead of his parents being Lienz cossacks and some of the locations are different. Instead of taking place in Cuba the finale is set at a clean energy facility in Nigeria, which is where i was at. 

During the ‘cradle’ level there is a part where you need to traverse a series of collapsing catwalks, all while infinitely spawning enemies shoot at you from all sides. Cover is limited and your health doesn’t regenerate while sprinting… and you only have 90 seconds to reach the end. There is no method; you just have to get lucky. 

I wasn’t getting lucky. Ten times i tried and ten times i failed, and what’s more is that i was totally ignoring the bowl of Frosties i had prepared as my breakfast. They were going soggy, and it was all 006’s fault. Bastard traitor. Why couldn’t he just join Occupy Wallstreet or something.

By the 15th attempt i was out of my seat. Partially because i was too annoyed to sit, but the red light on the controller was flashing, signalling that it needed a charge, so i plugged it in (the PS3 charger cables are quite short). I had now been trying this for about half an hour, and hadn’t very long until i absolutely positively needed to be out the front door, and after a few more failed attempts i’d had enough. I softly threw the controller backwards, so that it would land on the sofa.

Only it didn’t land on the sofa. It was still plugged into the charger cable which tethered it to the console. Instead of gliding gracefully to the safety of the chair, the wire snapped it back, and it took a nose dive right into the barely-eaten bowl of cereal. Milk went everywhere.

You play 007 games to feel like James Bond, but i ended up feeling like Steve Carrel in Get Smart, which is only marginally better than feeling like Johnny English.

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